Unbelievable

This has me stunned.  For those not desiring to click on the link, a brief recap:

A woman who adopted a 6 year old boy from Russia last year sent him back, unaccompanied, with a note pinned to his jacket saying she wanted the adoption annulled because he was psychopathic.  Oh yeah.  And purportedly she found a man on the internet who agreed to pick him up from the airport for $215.  It’s hard to say exactly what happened because she’s refusing to talk and there seem to be a lot of stories floating around out there, but the fact remains that she put the child on a plane to Russia.  By himself.  After a year.  And returned him like a faulty item.

How can someone do something like that?  If you sign up to be a parent, whether it be by birth, adoption, or any other way, you’re in it for good.  Jesus.  How could she not think that a child who has grown up in an orphanage wouldn’t have issues?  That’s why there are psychologists.  And behavioral therapists.  And, oh I don’t know, adults who act like adults and take responsibility for raising their children!

I get so angry when parents blame their children for being bad as if they’re entirely separate entities not at all connected to the environment they’re raised in.  I mean, sure she didn’t have control over his earlier years.  BUT STILL!  It was her duty to nurture him and she had to have realized that this probably wasn’t going to be a perfect, Annie ending.  I see parents all the time who act shocked and stunned by their kid’s behavior and maybe I’m being overly harsh, but I really think that these  parents need to be examining their own actions.  I’m not saying that parents are solely responsible, and I’m not saying that every kid’s issues can be blamed on “bad” parents, but I am saying that usually it’s partly a result of nurture or environment and this woman had resources!  I can’t even imagine what kinds of issues this kid is going to have now, especially if he was already struggling with other problems.

You don’t get to just throw in the towel!  It makes me sick to think of all the other potential families that may be affected as a result of this selfish woman’s actions.  I mean, did she do her research?  Did she reach out to anyone for help when she became concerned about his behavior?  If she was having such problems, why was she already starting a second adoption?

Maybe I’m being too harsh.  Maybe if I was a parent I’d take offense to some of the things written here.  Weigh in on this people, please.  I want to know your thoughts.

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    PBB said,

    It’s hard to know exactly what was going on with the child because of the conflicting reports. I do at least want to acknowledge a few things. First, some adoptive children are severely emotionally disturbed because of what they endured in utero and in their early childhood. Some have something called Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is basically a total inability to bond appropriately with their primary caretaker. Being an adoptive parent is NOT the same as being a biological parent in the narrow respect that you had no control over the deep trauma the child may have endured before getting to you. So while it is not appropriate to “blame the child,” it is appropriate to acknowledge that the child did not have the start a bio child would have and cannot be fixed quickly with love – and in some cases, may never be “normal.”

    If the adoptive mother was not told about the extent of the child’s severe emotional disturbance, I do not blame her for feeling that this was NOT what she had signed up for, literally, although I blame her for the strange way in which she ended the adoption. (Then again, maybe she tried a lot more than we know.) There is a reason adoptive parents are asked if they will accept physically disabled or emotionally challenged children (but bio parents aren’t, actually.) They should know the child’s full history and not be expected to handle anything just because they want to love a child.

    There are RAD blogs out there – I found one, http://www.watchingthewaters.com/, where one of her adoptive children ended up abusing other children and resulted in the adoption being ended (or “disrupted”). She hung on to her other RAD daughter, who shows essentially no affection to her.

    So I guess the second thing I wanted to point out is that many adoptions are ended/disrupted, more than the public thinks happen, and this is an opportunity for us to acknowledge that and talk about why. In the end, I blame this woman for putting the kid on a plane like a suitcase, but I’m a lot slower to blame a parent for choosing to end an adoption of a severely emotionally disturbed child if that is not what she knew she was getting – if that’s what happened here.

  2. 2

    showmeyourcookies said,

    I agree with what you’ve said and I realize that adopting an older child is much different from mothering a biological child, but I just can’t imagine going into an adoption where you’re relying on documents instead of actual time with the kid. I know he was in Russia, but one would think that when she went to meet him, she would have spent enough time with him to get an idea of what he was like. It just seems like a lot of research needs to be done firsthand before making such a commitment.


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