For the Parents of the World

Dear parents,

Your child is a special snowflake.  I know that.  I know that there is no other child in the world with  your child’s unique combination of charm, intelligence, wit, good looks, and superhuman abilities to save mankind (saving them from what is still being determined).  I also know that there is no other child in the world with such wonderful parents.  Believe me, I know this.  You’ve told me this in not so many words multiple times. I fully submit that I don’t know how to do my job and  your recommendations are very important to my well being.  Thank you.

But see, here’s the deal.  Nobody’s perfect.  Believe me, I’m pretty much as close as they come (my mom told me so) and even I spilled my drink on the car mat the other day and managed to forget a VERY IMPORTANT appointment.  And also, your child has flaws too.  Now, hold on.  Drop the pitchfork for a minute and listen.  See, your kid has been doing some things in class.  Your child’s grades have also been dropping.  Woah!  Messenger.  MESSENGER!

Here’s the deal.  I called  you.  You know, so you could talk to your kid (because my talking isn’t working).  So your kid could stop the downward spiral and start living up to potential.  Special snowflake, you know.  And again, I just really want to thank you for suggesting things to fix his behavior.  Because, you know, my Master’s degree plus years of practical experience really just didn’t prepare me for the drama of dealing with children.  I mean, who KNEW that was a job requirement?  People really should be more clear about these things.  So, thank you so much for helping me figure out how to better accommodate your sweet, precious child.

I have a suggestion.  See, when a teacher calls to let you know The Nasties have possessed your child and rendered said child powerless to say no (because, we all know it’s not really their fault), then call the exorcist, cook up a batch of chicken soup, schedule an appointment with the doctor, schedule a rescuscitative trip to the Bahamas, really do ANYTHING.  Anything, that is, except tell the teacher off for “not calling sooner” (what was I supposed to do?  Call before there was a problem?).  Anything, that is, except suggest I try “moving your child’s seat” (I know, I know, all the other kids in the class are lousy, no good influences.  Which means no matter where I move them, it will be the same story.  Also, I already tried that).  Anything, that is, except saying that you want to reserve judgment until your precious little buttercup-pansy-pumpkin gets home and tells you their side of the story (well, I mean, this is actually totally fair.  Your child has no motivation to lie and I do).

I’m so sorry to disrupt your day and waste your time with my trivial, inexperienced, silly little complaints.  Please go ahead and schedule that meeting with the principal.  I undoubtedly deserve to be reprimanded for not seeing your daffodil as the unique gift to humankind that they are.  Believe me, I can see how very unimportant I am in comparison.  I get that now.  It was totally crazy of me to think otherwise.  Sorry again.  Resume pitchforking; I clearly deserve it.

Sincerely,

Snowflake’s Past, Present, and Future Teachers

UPDATE:  Parents, did you not get the memo?  I’m very concerned!!  Parents should never try such drastic measures as stopping their child’s allowance.  SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE!!!  This poor child 25 year old had to go to all the trouble of suing his parents because they clearly didn’t see him for the sweet innocent that he was.  The judge clearly didn’t see it either, although at least he required that the boy man be given some money.

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3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Kate said,

    THANK you for realizing the error of your ways! I mean, really, I pay your salary! I would never tell that to a police officer trying to give me a ticket, but it’s different. THAT isn’t about my children.

    It’s refreshing that a teacher can see what a precious individual my child is and realize how you have erred. I believe instead of the Bahamas we’ll go to Disney, give my child some positive experiences to counter act his evil teacher.

    Have a wonderful day,

    Snowflake’s mom.

    /snark

  2. 2

    Fan o'Fondant said,

    I love this post, Wendy. It will be really great for Snowflake when the parent makes it clear to Snowflake that the parent doesn’t trust the teacher’s judgment and instead thinks whatever line of crud Snowflake gives is reasonable. That will really help Snowflake adjust to the real world. He or she is on a great track.

    Now, another critical question: is that picture of the yearling (older?) foal in your friend Kate’s profile pic her horse? It’s gorgeous and I’m interested in learning more about it and if Kate rides and, if so, around here or what.

    • 3

      Mrs. Cookie said,

      Absolutely right, Mollie!

      As to your questions, Kate is a friend from high school. I think there’s a good chance the animal pictured is her horse and I do know she rides horses (in and around Southern Maine). I’m sure she’d be happy to give you any information I am lacking.


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